“Hah! I’m going to do what I have always wanted to do!” I’d stride across the floor to the Speaker’s rostrum and politely invite the Speaker to step aside. “If he doesn’t oblige, I’ll use my pepper spray on him.”

As I take the microphone and the floor, I will realise that “it’s now or never!” Despite my earlier calls for democracy, freedom and justice, my first pronouncement will be: “Every single piece of legislation can only be passed by this parliament if I, the First Ruler-Protector of Malaysia, assent to it.” And thus, I will make my first mark as the absolute ruler of the nation.

Before I forget, I must ‘take care’ of the monarchs. No, I will not behead them. I will make them my golf kakis. Those who can’t play can be caddies. “Oh yes, must castrate them though, lest they become a pain in my autocratic government’s rear end.”

Then, I will proceed to devise a big hairy audacious goal for the future generations of Malaysians to achieve (I’ll make it far enough in the future so that I’m sure I won’t be around when it doesn’t happen, unlike some idiot who announced ‘Wawasan 2020’) — that we would send the first spaceship beyond the Milky Way galaxy by the year 5050. Now, that’s what I call a developed nation. “Mahathir, eat your missing heart out!”

Now, before I put all that into place, surely I must get myself a half-decent (and a half indecent) cabinet to do my bidding. First of all, I’d pick an Information and Communications Minister (let’s leave the culture to someone else — Malaysian culture is too complicated) that at least knows what Twitter and Facebook are all about. “And who wasn’t counting the sand on the beach when Parameswara arrived.” (#yorais)

Then, I’d appoint myself the Home Minister, the Health Minister, the Defence Minister, the Education Minister, the Trade Minister, the Works Minister, the Transport Minister and the Finance Minister. “You sycophants can take the rest of the ministries — whoever can ‘carry’ more and ‘shine’ better can take the ‘better’ ministries; i.e. those that have more opportunities to accept bribes.”

With all that accomplished, I’d ensure that every single relevant government institution will be completely under my thumb: the police, the anti-corruption agency, the military, the judiciary, the election commission and the national indoctrination service. “Of course, every single contract dished out will be to my relatives or close friends. Why would I give a contract to other more qualified people?”

Now, for the most important part — the theft of every piece of equipment that can be sold overseas at a fraction of the original value of the equipment. “Ah, I must remember to put them up for sale before the next summer line comes out in Latin America and Africa.”

And, of course, I’d remind the Information and Communications Minister to ensure that every single media organisation operating in Malaysia, online, foreign or otherwise, is completely subservient to the all powerful Ruler-Protector of the Nation (that’s me, in case you forgot). Now, that’s no easy feat considering the Minister just learned the meaning of social media. “But it’s okay lah, we can wing it as we go along. After all, that’s our culture right? Malaysia Boleh! Now, 1Malaysia Boleh!”

P.S. “Oops! Nearly forgot to divide and rule by using race and religion. But never mind lah, that one a bit complicated. Can leave for part 2… If I feel like it.”